Domestic Violence & Safety Planning

Recognising the subtle signs and symptoms

Domestic violence is a serious issue that affects individuals of all backgrounds and ages, yet it often remains hidden behind closed doors. While physical abuse is the most recognizable form, many victims experience subtle signs and symptoms that may not be immediately obvious to others. Understanding these more covert indicators is crucial to raising awareness, offering support, and ultimately ending the cycle of violence. In this blog, we’ll explore some of the subtle signs of domestic violence that people often overlook, and how to be more attuned to them.

What is Domestic Violence?

Domestic violence, also known as intimate partner violence (IPV), refers to abusive behavior used by one partner to gain or maintain control over the other partner in a relationship. It can take various forms: physical, emotional, psychological, financial, or sexual abuse. While the visible signs of physical violence might be easier to identify, emotional and psychological abuse often leaves invisible scars that are harder to detect.

Types of domestic abuse:

• Physical health – Refers to the overall condition of the body, including fitness, nutrition, medical conditions, and physical well-being. Poor physical health may increase vulnerability and risk of harm.

• Sexual abuse – Any unwanted or non-consensual sexual activity. This includes rape, sexual assault, coercion, inappropriate touching, and exploitation, particularly involving individuals unable to give informed consent.

• Financial and/or material abuse – The illegal or improper use of a person’s money, property, or assets. Examples include theft, fraud, misuse of power of attorney, or pressuring someone to hand over money or possessions.

• Neglect – The failure to meet a person’s basic physical, emotional, or medical needs. This can involve not providing adequate food, shelter, healthcare, or protection, especially for individuals who rely on others for care.

• Psychological and/or emotional abuse – Behaviour that causes emotional distress, fear, or mental suffering. This can include threats, humiliation, intimidation, isolation, and verbal abuse that damages a person’s sense of self-worth or mental health.

• Discriminatory abuse – Abuse or harassment based on protected characteristics such as race, gender, age, disability, religion, sexual orientation, or cultural background. This can take the form of verbal abuse, exclusion, or unequal treatment.

• Deprivation of liberties – Occurs when a person is kept under continuous supervision or control and is not free to leave, often in care settings. This must be legally authorised (e.g., through a Deprivation of Liberty Safeguards – DoLS – assessment) to ensure it is in the person’s best interest.

• Honor Based Violence – Violence committed to protect or defend the “honour” of a family or community. This can include forced marriage, female genital mutilation (FGM), and physical harm or even murder.

Other forms of abuse include:

• Modern slavery
• FGM
• Mental capacity act
• Cyber Bullying
• Radicalization, extremism and terrorism
• Safeguarding children & vulnerable adults
• Organisational / Institutional abuse or neglect

Subtle Signs and Symptoms of Domestic Violence

If you are concerned about someone’s relationship but are unsure, here are some subtle signs to look out for, and perhaps, this will be a way to have this discussion with them.

Changes in Behavior or Personality

Victims of domestic violence may begin to change in ways that might seem out of character. They might become withdrawn, anxious, or depressed. They may lose confidence and begin to withdraw from social activities or relationships they once enjoyed. These behavioural changes can be subtle, and it’s important to recognize when someone seems off or more isolated than usual.

Frequent Absences from Work or School

One of the most common signs of domestic abuse is missing work, school, or social gatherings without a clear explanation. This could be a direct result of the victim trying to avoid questions or scrutiny from others. The perpetrator may have isolated them from friends and family, leading them to feel trapped in the relationship.

Excessive Excuses for Injuries

Physical abuse doesn’t always result in visible bruises or broken bones, but when injuries do occur, victims often come up with unlikely or inconsistent explanations. They may claim that they were clumsy or accidentally injured themselves. If the injuries are repetitive or unexplained, it’s essential to approach the situation with care and suspicion.

Extreme Dependence on the Abuser

Domestic violence often leads to the victim feeling emotionally or financially dependent on their abuser. They may express uncertainty about making decisions without their partner’s input, constantly seeking approval or permission to do anything, from spending money to seeing friends. The abuser often intentionally creates this dependence to maintain control.

Changes in Communication Style

Victims of emotional and verbal abuse may begin to speak in a way that reflects the negativity or intimidation they are experiencing. They might start to talk down about themselves, apologize excessively, or exhibit signs of fear or hesitation when discussing their partner. In some cases, they may avoid speaking about their relationship altogether.

Tight Control Over Their Daily Activities

In some abusive relationships, perpetrators use subtle forms of control, such as monitoring phone calls, texts, and social media. They might limit who their partner interacts with, what they wear, or where they go. Victims might downplay these controlling behaviours, making them seem normal, but these are red flags for isolation and manipulation.

Guilt and Shame

Domestic violence victims often carry a heavy sense of guilt and shame. They may feel as though they are somehow responsible for the abuse, leading to self-blame. This is especially common in situations where the abuser gaslights the victim, making them question their perception of reality and self-worth. Victims may feel trapped in a cycle of self-doubt and confusion.

Panic or Fear Around Certain Topics

Victims of domestic violence may show signs of fear or anxiety when certain topics arise. For example, they may become visibly anxious when discussing their partner, their home life, or even seemingly harmless situations that remind them of the abuse. This constant fear can be draining and make them hesitant to open up to others.

Physical Symptoms of Stress

The chronic stress and trauma caused by domestic violence often manifest physically. Victims may experience frequent headaches, stomach issues, insomnia, or other stress-related symptoms. The emotional toll of living in fear and uncertainty can have long-term effects on their physical health.

Love and Hate Cycle

Domestic violence can create a confusing cycle of intense emotional highs and lows. Victims may often express love and loyalty toward their abuser, despite the pain they endure. This “love-hate” relationship is confusing and makes it harder for the victim to leave the relationship. The abuser may apologize after episodes of violence, promising to change, which creates hope and confusion for the victim.

The Importance of Recognizing the Signs

Domestic violence is often normalized or hidden within relationships, especially when the signs are subtle. Recognizing the signs early is essential to providing support to those who may be trapped in an abusive situation. If you notice these subtle signs in someone you know, it’s important to approach the conversation with empathy, non-judgment, and sensitivity. Victims may feel too afraid or embarrassed to talk about their situation, so building trust is key.

How to Help

1. Offer a Safe Space– Let the person know you’re there for them and that they are not alone. Offer a non-judgmental ear and let them share as much or as little as they feel comfortable.
2. Encourage Professional Help – Encourage them to reach out to professionals, such as a therapist or a domestic violence support group. There are organisations that specialize in helping those affected by intimate partner violence.
3. Create a Safety Plan – If the situation escalates, it’s essential to have a safety plan in place. Know where to go in an emergency and keep important documents accessible if they need to leave quickly.
4. Know Local Resources– Familiarise yourself with local domestic violence shelters, hotlines, and legal assistance organisations that can provide immediate help.

Safety Planning for Domestic Violence: Protecting Yourself and Your Loved Ones

Safety planning is a critical step for individuals experiencing domestic violence (DV) in order to protect themselves and their loved ones from harm. A well-prepared safety plan can increase the chances of staying safe in an abusive relationship and help someone leave safely if needed. While each situation is unique, a personalized safety plan can offer structure, clarity, and a way forward in times of crisis. 

What is a Safety Plan?

A safety plan is a personalized, practical plan that helps individuals in abusive relationships stay safe. It outlines specific steps to take during an emergency, how to prepare in advance, and what to do if the situation becomes dangerous. Creating a safety plan ensures that when violence or threats occur, there is a clear strategy in place to protect oneself, find support, and take action when necessary.

Key Elements of a Domestic Violence Safety Plan

1. Identify Safe Areas in the Home

• Plan Your Escape Route: Determine the safest room or areas of the house where you can go if violence escalates. Ideally, these areas should have multiple exits and be far from potential weapons (like the kitchen or bathroom). Avoid rooms that have limited exits or where you could become trapped.
• Stay Away from Dangerous Objects: Try to stay away from areas where weapons are kept (knives, firearms, etc.), and make sure there are no potential objects around that could be used against you.

2. Create an emergency Bag

• Pack Essentials: Prepare an emergency bag with important items you may need if you have to leave quickly. Some essentials include:
  • Identification (driver’s license, passport)
• • Money or credit cards (including spare change)
• • Spare clothes, medications, cell phones & chargers
• • Keys (house, car, and work)
• • Important documents (birth certificates, legal papers, etc.)

• Keep the Bag in a Safe Place: Store this bag in a discreet and easily accessible location, such as a trusted friend’s house, a car, or a hidden part of your home. The goal is to be able to leave at a moment’s notice without delay.

3. Develop a Code Word or Signal

• Use the Signal in Public: In some situations, you may need to alert someone for help while in public or during a phone call. Practice using the code word in a nonchalant way to ensure that it’s understood in case of emergency.

• Establish a Code Word with Trusted People: Create a code word or phrase that you can use with friends, family, or co-workers to signal that you are in danger and need help. This can be a discreet way to communicate without the abuser becoming aware of your intentions.

4. Identify Trusted Support People

• Know Who to Call in an Emergency: In addition to personal contacts, make sure you have emergency services (such as police or a local domestic violence shelter) on speed dial. Some helplines offer confidential advice and support for creating safety plans.

• Reach Out to Trusted Contacts: Identify friends, family members, neighbours, or colleagues who can offer support. Share your safety plan with them, including the code word and the emergency steps you plan to take.

5. Secure Important Documents and Financial Resources

• Access Financial Resources: Try to set aside some money for emergencies or open a separate bank account if possible. It’s important to have access to financial resources if you need to leave quickly.

• Keep Documents Safe: Make sure to store important documents like birth certificates, financial records, legal papers, and medical records in a secure, easily accessible place, whether it’s a friend’s house or a safety deposit box.

6. Create a Plan for Children and Pets

• Include Pets in Your Plan: Domestic violence often extends to pets, so include a plan for their safety as well. If possible, arrange for a pet to be cared for by a trusted friend or family member in case you need to leave.

• Plan for Your Children’s Safety: If you have children, make sure they know how to stay safe in case of an emergency. Discuss escape routes and how to call for help.

7. Establish a Plan for Leaving the Home

• Leave Stealthily if Necessary: If you are at risk of being tracked or followed, leave in a manner that doesn’t alert the abuser, such as leaving at a different time than usual or using public transportation if you usually drive.

• Decide When to Leave: Think about specific signs that indicate it’s time to leave, whether it’s a particularly violent episode or escalating threats. It’s important to have a plan in place for when things get dangerous.

• Choose a Safe Location: Identify where you can go when you leave, such as a friend or family member’s house, a shelter, or a public place. Know how you’ll get there (car, public transportation, etc.) and where to seek refuge.

8. Have a Communication Plan

• Use Technology Wisely: If you have access to a cell phone or computer, make sure that you can communicate privately without the abuser seeing your messages or calls. Consider using encrypted messaging apps or setting up a hidden email account.
• Know When and Where to Seek Help: If you need to call for help, make sure you know how to reach domestic violence hotlines or shelters in your area. In some cases, you can send a message for help if you cannot make a phone call.

9. Practice the Plan

• Review and Update Regularly: Your safety needs may change over time. Regularly update your safety plan to reflect any changes in your circumstances or the abuser’s behaviour.

• Rehearse Your Escape Plan: If it is safe to do so, practice your escape routes and actions in advance so that you can act quickly when necessary. Rehearsing your safety plan will help you stay calm and focused during a crisis.

Important Contacts and Resources to Include in Your Safety Plan

If you’re in immediate danger, please call 999. If you can’t speak, you can press 55 to make yourself heard (see attached DV helplines).

You deserve to feel safe and supported. Please reach out to any of these services—they are there to help you.

Domestic violence is an insidious issue that can be difficult to identify, especially when the signs are subtle. Recognizing the emotional, psychological, and behavioral indicators is the first step toward offering support to those in need. By educating ourselves and being vigilant, we can help create an environment where victims feel safe, heard, and empowered to seek the help they need. If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, don’t wait, reach out for help today.

Creating a safety plan is one of the most important steps to take if you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence. It empowers you with the tools and knowledge to protect yourself, your children, and your pets, while also providing resources for support when leaving becomes necessary. It is crucial to trust your instincts, take small steps to prepare, and know that help is available. If you or someone you know needs assistance, there are numerous organizations and hotlines that can help you develop a safety plan and provide ongoing support. Stay safe and remember, you are not alone.

Don’t forget to download a copy of your safety plan linked below, please keep a copy of it hidden, with you at all times, whether it’s electronic or paper copy. Always remember, as scary as it is to take the next step, we are here to support you and hold your hand through this journey, all you have to do is ask, and overcome your fears.

A copy of the Safety Plan can be found here:

A copy of DV Helpline numbers can be found here:

References

• Visit the National Domestic Abuse Helpline
• Visit Victim Support
• Visit The Men’s Advice Line
• Visit Galop
• Visit the Helpline
• Visit the Helpline
• Visit Live Fear Free
• Apply for a non-molestation or occupation order: Form FL401 – GOV.UK
• Visit Refuge
• Visit Victim Support
• Visit Samaritans
• Visit Mind
• Visit Galop
• Visit IKWRO
• Visit SignHealth
• Visit Stay Safe East
• Visit Southall Black Sisters

Disclaimer – Please note, all advice given is based on various healthcare models that have been proven to support patients with sustainability and backed by Public Health England (PHE). Nonetheless, you should run any changes to your routine by your GP as they are your primary carer, it is also important that any other healthcare professionals involved in your care is involved in your goal planning. Don’t forget they hold your medical records and would be familiar with you; this will help everyone to be on the same page and will also enable you to plan more realistically and not overestimate your capacity! 

EthVida is not a healthcare provider, we offer awareness in the form of education, signposting and advocacy for plant-based medicines.